I'm a Problem, only I can solve

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There are a lots of tears behind writing this ✍️ 

I write this in funny way cus I feel deja vu. 
Umm depression, then after few years of chronic depression I jumped off a 6 story building in 2021. My bad , I didn't know if anyone could still be alive . But I think I'm dead soul cus I'm not living . I have never lived. I have only been surviving, surviving at the edge , crying , begging, begging for help in my mind. 
I just can't live a normal life tho my life might look normal 🙃 

B12 , vitamin b12 , protein I want it . But my vegetarian family won't gimme that . I'm broke financially. 💔 

I have damaged skin & bones now . After all its my fault cus I damaged myself . This guilt I shall carry as My mother reminds me about it daily . 

Today I was supposed to go to infosys office but I didn't as it was 1+ hours far . Taxi fares would cost me about 800 to 1000 + . I'm not feeling fine so I need rest , i told my mom I need some meet shall I order it cooked? She said she shall cook it herself. On blink it I added 
chicken worth 144 rupees , the delivery wasn't free so I started searching for more needed products that I could add to get red of delivery charges . My restless mother starts abusing me in gujrati, toxic . It was like a cortisol boost in morning 🌄 unhealthy cus u actually need 
to relax . 

It was expensive and religion came in . I didn't get meat to feed protein, b12 to my 
brain . 🧠  

Soon after that I was about to go out for walk but she didn't stop screaming nonsense abusing. I whispered " you are a old lady , u should be dead" cus it's true I feel that'll make my life better . 


Maybe it was too loud as she heard it , she yelled me a lot of things 

Taunted over my suicide attempt 
Telling me I'm broke useless 
Told me she is self made and that I can't match her standards even in the next 10 years 
Told me I do nothing and only look at others 
That she doesn't need to get naked to get clients n positions in society for respect n money 
That I should earn n fix my damaged body 
That I'll die first (Janhavi)
Told me that I never studied cus my name didn't show up on charts 
She regrets my birth 
I'm sinner and much more . She said me all that but I don't know what do I do . 

It's difficult to hear these every day cus this happens too often like a ratio she speaks shit 

I silently cried cus it's honestly hurting Me in the inside . I can't help . 

May death find me asap . 

These feelings it's like deja vu . I had a lot more to write here but I broke down and I need to lay down crying 







































































Comments

Sushant said…
I felt very bad by reading all this even i don't who you are or you don't know who I'm there could be just one suggestion just try to be social and ignore the trouble makers as much as you can. Be active on social media or try to find some dopamine from where you can get find some hobby and try to escape the realty as much as you can.
Hope for the BEST.
20 August 2025 at 12:53
EMMANUEL❤ said…
heyyyy dear, stay strong!! for yourself
5 September 2025 at 10:16
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